The LGN Diet
The LGN Diet was specifically designed in Afghanistan and the title alone will ensure the book, once written, sells wildly. Disclaimer: It is not based on a doctor's nor a nutritionist's advice. I've been on the LGN Diet for the past 4 months, and the results are amazing. I've lost that last stubborn 10 pounds I couldn't get rid of prior to coming to Afghanistan and getting on the LGN Diet band wagon.
The LGN Diet was developed based on pure, raw sexual desire. And we all know sex sells. The LGN Diet is not too prescriptive, yet is guaranteed to work if you follow the guiding principles. Too much of anything will kill you, including water, so you can eat whatever you want. Just in moderation. Do you like ice cream? Have some. Meat? Why not? Pizza? Sure. Chocolate? All. Day. Long. Eat whatever you want. I know, sounds good right? And, it is based on sex. Already want to buy it, don't you? Here's the tiny catch. You have to exercise as well, but it doesn't have to be that taxing and you can do whatever kind of exercise floats your boat.
I ride a bicycle around Bagram every morning - it's part of my routine right after breakfast. It's a fairly leisurely 13 km ride and there is very little traffic on Disney (the main drag) in the am so the soldiers can do their PT. I also stop off at the clamshell gym a few times a week - that's a part of my exercise component of the LGN Diet. A soldier's exercise is of course, mandatory, but I love to watch all of the running styles. For the most part, they make running look very painful. There are a very few gazelles out there who make running look effortless, but they are the one percenters. The other 99%? Some swing their legs outwards as they take each stride, others lean forward and there is one gentleman whose style is so jerky, it reminds me of a rock 'em sock 'em robot. But he's out there, every morning, herky jerkying along. There are some supermen and women who run around the base in full kit - their 40 lb Kevlar vest and ruthsack. I do not feel very manly as I ride bicycle past them, by the by. I saw two soldiers the other week, one exhorting the other to finish their run, but he did it in such a soldierly way. "C'mon, Godamnit you pussy, c'mon! You can puke after you finish, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Puke after you finish!" The Korean civilians wear their floppy hats and walk together as a group, swinging their arms vigorously and the Korean special forces guys run in formation and chant their cadence loudly. The fat soldiers and contractors? They invariably walk. All part of the exercise component of their management LGN Diet, I can only assume. Whatever works for you. Running, walking, cycling, the gym, yoga, Zumba, a Salsa or a Country dance class (yes, they have all of them here). The chubsters who are walking must be either just starting the LGN Diet or are failing, but only because they don't adhere to the guiding principle. All you have to do is expend more calories than you consume. The LGN Diet doesn't tell you how to adhere to the guiding principle - do you want to pork out at surf and turf night? Go for it! Want to pile on some french fries? Have a few more, courtesy of the LGN Diet! You're welcome! You just have to walk a bit faster or spend a few precious seconds more in the gym to balance the gluttony.
There are a few quirks to the beta version of the LGN Diet. It was designed in Afghanistan and part of it was driven by General Order (GO) #1, which all U.S. contractors and soldiers have to adhere to. Alcohol is a no go. Verboten. Haram. Per GO#1, consumption of alcohol will earn you a one way flight out of the war zone, where, surprisingly, many people want to stay. For me, getting rid of a few extra calories per day in beer just melted the pounds away and it can work for you too! But in the final version of the LGN diet, alcohol consumption will be encouraged. A tipple here and there will help you as you peer in the mirror. LGN? Have another sip, and you just might. And then there's the other component of the LGN Diet based on GO#1. No sex. Not in the war zone, my friends, it could be detrimental to discipline and good order in theater. At least that's the line the military spins. That's the bad news but that's how sex ties into the LGN Diet. Once beta testing is done, sex, and lots of it, will be strongly encouraged - just another part of the exercise regime, the more acrobatic, the better. The good news is that when we are on a four month rotation, not drinking beer and abstaining from sex, we are all focused on the work we are doing here first, but then on the LGN Diet secondly. Because after four months +, when you are about to visit your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend or are going to troll around for a partner to get your freak on, you want to LGN. Perhaps you can tell I'm 8 days away from getting on this plane, going on leave and am going to meet Gwyne for vacation, but when I see her, I'll Look Good Naked (LGN).
The LGN Diet was developed based on pure, raw sexual desire. And we all know sex sells. The LGN Diet is not too prescriptive, yet is guaranteed to work if you follow the guiding principles. Too much of anything will kill you, including water, so you can eat whatever you want. Just in moderation. Do you like ice cream? Have some. Meat? Why not? Pizza? Sure. Chocolate? All. Day. Long. Eat whatever you want. I know, sounds good right? And, it is based on sex. Already want to buy it, don't you? Here's the tiny catch. You have to exercise as well, but it doesn't have to be that taxing and you can do whatever kind of exercise floats your boat.
I ride a bicycle around Bagram every morning - it's part of my routine right after breakfast. It's a fairly leisurely 13 km ride and there is very little traffic on Disney (the main drag) in the am so the soldiers can do their PT. I also stop off at the clamshell gym a few times a week - that's a part of my exercise component of the LGN Diet. A soldier's exercise is of course, mandatory, but I love to watch all of the running styles. For the most part, they make running look very painful. There are a very few gazelles out there who make running look effortless, but they are the one percenters. The other 99%? Some swing their legs outwards as they take each stride, others lean forward and there is one gentleman whose style is so jerky, it reminds me of a rock 'em sock 'em robot. But he's out there, every morning, herky jerkying along. There are some supermen and women who run around the base in full kit - their 40 lb Kevlar vest and ruthsack. I do not feel very manly as I ride bicycle past them, by the by. I saw two soldiers the other week, one exhorting the other to finish their run, but he did it in such a soldierly way. "C'mon, Godamnit you pussy, c'mon! You can puke after you finish, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Puke after you finish!" The Korean civilians wear their floppy hats and walk together as a group, swinging their arms vigorously and the Korean special forces guys run in formation and chant their cadence loudly. The fat soldiers and contractors? They invariably walk. All part of the exercise component of their management LGN Diet, I can only assume. Whatever works for you. Running, walking, cycling, the gym, yoga, Zumba, a Salsa or a Country dance class (yes, they have all of them here). The chubsters who are walking must be either just starting the LGN Diet or are failing, but only because they don't adhere to the guiding principle. All you have to do is expend more calories than you consume. The LGN Diet doesn't tell you how to adhere to the guiding principle - do you want to pork out at surf and turf night? Go for it! Want to pile on some french fries? Have a few more, courtesy of the LGN Diet! You're welcome! You just have to walk a bit faster or spend a few precious seconds more in the gym to balance the gluttony.
There are a few quirks to the beta version of the LGN Diet. It was designed in Afghanistan and part of it was driven by General Order (GO) #1, which all U.S. contractors and soldiers have to adhere to. Alcohol is a no go. Verboten. Haram. Per GO#1, consumption of alcohol will earn you a one way flight out of the war zone, where, surprisingly, many people want to stay. For me, getting rid of a few extra calories per day in beer just melted the pounds away and it can work for you too! But in the final version of the LGN diet, alcohol consumption will be encouraged. A tipple here and there will help you as you peer in the mirror. LGN? Have another sip, and you just might. And then there's the other component of the LGN Diet based on GO#1. No sex. Not in the war zone, my friends, it could be detrimental to discipline and good order in theater. At least that's the line the military spins. That's the bad news but that's how sex ties into the LGN Diet. Once beta testing is done, sex, and lots of it, will be strongly encouraged - just another part of the exercise regime, the more acrobatic, the better. The good news is that when we are on a four month rotation, not drinking beer and abstaining from sex, we are all focused on the work we are doing here first, but then on the LGN Diet secondly. Because after four months +, when you are about to visit your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend or are going to troll around for a partner to get your freak on, you want to LGN. Perhaps you can tell I'm 8 days away from getting on this plane, going on leave and am going to meet Gwyne for vacation, but when I see her, I'll Look Good Naked (LGN).
No comments:
Post a Comment