Bagram is a mature base.  By that, I certainly don't mean it is filled with mature individuals with mature thoughts.  The graffiti certainly bears that out.  I mean it has been here for a while, and doesn't appear to be going anywhere, even after 2014.  In addition to the many DFAC's, there is Burger King, Subway, Popeye's, Pizza Hut, a few Green Beans Coffee (Honor first, coffee second is their motto), as well as places to buy a sim for your GSM phone or a GSM phone, local goods, to include carpets, gems, clothing and pirated DVD's.  Do you like Clint Eastwood?  You can get a boxed set of every movie he's ever been in.  Or pretty any much any other action type figure.  Very enterprising, those Afghani's.   There are also places to get your haircut and a massage from one of the girls from Krygystan.  Fancy a local meal?  There is Afghan restaurant off Disney named Aziz's, should you want to try something more entertaining instead of the free food provided 3 times a day.  For my palate, the DFAC is absolutely...adequate.  Aziz's will most likely not separate me from any of my pennies.   So  how mature is Bagram?  So mature that in one week, I've received mass e-mail blasts inviting me to:

March Madness 3 on 3 basketball tournament.
Kickboxing aerobics.
Country night two step dancing.
Body 4 life step aerobics.
Latin dance competition.
Texas Hold 'em (for prizes, not monetary gambling).
Friday night movies!
And I saw an ad while at the main PX for a DJ battle/face off - something like DJ T Money vs DJ DRama.  Or something like that. 


     That's in one week.  Sounds like a cruise ship or some kind of vacation, right?  I know what you're thinking - accommodations, a buffet meal three times a day, activities - where do I sign up for this kind of vacation and  how much does it cost?  As the infomercials say on late night television, "But wait, there's more!"  They pay you while staying at the resort.  That's right, you get paid to be here!  Unbelievable, right?
     Unbelievable for a reason, my friends.  Think Carnival Cruise gone wrong.  But here's what I think really sets Bagram apart - there are a few websites set up to sing the praises (or not) of life on Bagram. I Love Bagram (ILB), R.O.T.W (Reason Of The Week) and DFAC recipes.  There is also nakslist.com.  Nakslist.com is the craigslist of Afghanistan, but only for the bases, not for those who really live in Afghanistan proper. I bought a bicycle off of nakslist the first week I was here. And if you look at nakslist, there are really only posts for Bagram and Kandahar - all of the other FOB's don't participate. Like many things in life, it's a numbers game.
     ILB is just what it sounds like - a bunch of posts, all satirical, on all the special things that brings one pleasure while deployed here.  If you browse ILB, you will quickly find out that Bagram is not as much of a vacation resort as all of the advertised extra curricular activities might lead one to believe.  Most of the comments/posts fall into these categories:

1.   Food and the DFAC.  Mostly complaints about food and sightings of women in the DFAC.
2.  Sex (and lack thereof) and masturbation. 
3.  Related to sex, #236.

You can't make this shit up is a refrain heard in the contracting world overseas.  And you really can't.  I learned two things scrolling through ILB (I had to look both of them up).  The first was does the carpet and drapes match?  #236 originally got that wrong.












Here's the original #236 post:

236. Yes, I am a female. Yes I look good. Yes I have red hair. Yes the friggin curtains match the drapes, and no you can't see for yourself you stupid mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, trailer-trash, swamp-ass, flea infested idiot. # 249 called her out and said it was the carpet and drapes, not curtains and drapes.  And yes, I had to look it up in Urban Dictionary.com.    Something else I saw liberally mentioned in ILB was the term 'fleshlight'.  I am a bit green when it comes to sex toys, I guess that's the category it would fall into.  I had to look that up on the internet.  And unless you want to be seriously grossed out, don't look it up.  The rest of this blog is devoted to #236, who either never existed, or who is gone, gone, gone. But the myth lives on. 243. Angry red heads. See number 236. 244. Hey 236, you'll be a four again soon. Enjoy your moment of glory. 249. Smart-assed "deployment self-assured" women who run their mouths, and don't know what they are talking about. Hey 236 - "curtains" and "drapes" are the same thing. The question is, do they match the carpet? But really, who's running carpet these days? 253. Looking at every fat readheaded female and wonering if its 236. 272. Wondering if the large red head whose ass looked like two wildebeasts fighting in a gunny sack while I was behind her on the eliptical machine is number 236. 281. 236...will you marry me? 282. Taking the time for search Bagram for mythical things that may or may not exist...personal space, privacy, clean showers, unicorns, and oh, hot red heads...here's to you #236. 283. The chicken bones and used condoms in the bunkers over by the new RLB's. I'll bet #236 knows how they got there... 298. Red heads with blue eyes... pretty sure 236 was in the green bean today. I'd follow her around all. day. long. 306. Having conversations about #236 and not even knowing if she is really a girl or a guy quoting what he was told by a Desert Queen. 322. For that hot blonde who enjoyed her Popsicle to the fullest on Weds dinner at aviation dfac, thank you for refilling the bank. I don't think 236 stands a chance against this talent! 345. Could #236 be the third? Or is she the one who got convinced to have a three-some? 351. You can take a shower with 236 and get 6 minutes of water. 378. Hey #236, didn't I divorce you, if not, consider this message as being served. It's over. 393. Walking from the BX to the four corners and not seeing one officer! I'm taking that luck to Vegas! 236 I've got an extra ticket for you since you're now divorced. 417. Using "#236" references in everyday conversation, and everyone knowing exactly who the fuck you're talking about. 428. Putting 236 and 375 together and making an '8'. Ladies, you know we love you. 435. Over hearing an Airmen at the greenbean, that he is #236. 545. Relooking when DADT is repealed so I can date #236. 620. Be nice to 236: maybe "curtains" and "drapes" is all there is...maybe the carpet is gone. 648. Side tracked at sick call wondering if the carpet matches the drapes too... lmao, I almost called her 236 675. Because I hate Justin Beiber and I hate #630.... but I'm definitely willing to become a lesbian if #236 is! It goes on an on and on.  3,672 posts at last count and #236 just won't go away. I'm almost tempted to buy the t-shirt.  But I won't.  She isn't real. But this one takes the cake: 540. The hilariously awkward way my roommate acted when I caught him staring at the tattoo of #236 naked on my leg. A #236 tattoo on his leg.  That's a piece of Bagram lore to take with you for the rest of your life. Up next - the money.